2022.37 : I Am Tired

U.S.A. Circa 2022

I don’t wanna be the filler
 if the void is solely yours
I don’t wanna be your glass of
 single malt whiskey
 hidden in the bottom drawer
And I don’t wanna be a bandage
 if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air

I don’t wanna be adored for what
 I merely represent to you
I don’t wanna be your babysitter
 you’re a very big boy now
I don’t wanna be your mother
 I didn’t carry you in my
 womb for nine months
Show me the back door

I don’t wanna be the sweeper of the
 eggshells that you walk upon
I don’t wanna be your other half
 I believe that one and one make two
I don’t wanna be your food or the light
 from the fridge on your face at midnight
Hey, what are you hungry for?

I don’t wanna be the glue that
 holds your pieces together
I don’t wanna be your idol
 see this pedestal is high and
 I’m afraid of heights
I don’t wanna be lived through a
 vicarious occasion
Please open the window

I don’t wanna live on someday when
 my motto is last week and I
I don’t wanna be responsible for
 your fractured heart and its wounded beat

You see it’s too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

— Glen Ballard, Alanis Morissette


A person couldn’t be faulted for thinking that the emotions detailed in 2022.36: Gratitude Hangover were more than enough life experience for any 72-hour window. Life thought otherwise.

The reason in the first place for the road trip was to celebrate with family and friends the successful outcome of a seven-year project I conducted in secret. That story is satiating on its own.

I’ll skip over Vanny DeVito not feeling well, yes that’s the name a friend christened my photography van with. With the threat of a mid-wilderness breakdown, Vanny Devito kept me safe until my dad could work his automotive healing magic.

Pulling into my dad’s town challenges me to stay present. You see, this is where I met her.

Her.

Those who have read through the archives know the story. In brief for those who haven’t. Met the first woman I hoped to marry. Against both our wills, we were forced apart. As a screenwriter friend of mine put it. “If you pitched that love story in my writer’s room, I would fire you on the spot. Kick you out for being a hack. Because. Almost none of that happens in real life.” But it did happen. It broke me. Two years for the heart wounds to scar over. Photography & Story was the only way I knew how to cope. That is why my photography work is what it is.

And yet.

Another plot twist is thrown in my face while I was minding my own business and in good spirits.

An artist elevated a vacant billboard to a piece of art with the words “I am tired”. Here’s the kicker. It was unavoidable for me to see as I drove into town. Okay, Fate, jerky… but… funny.

Then I thought of her. How utterly tired she must be in her new life. Even if, and I don’t know, it is satisfactory. She likely drives by this billboard several times a week. Fate, this isn’t funny, it’s simply cruel, not as cruel as you had been, still cruel. Enough already. Leave her alone, unless you decide to be good to her.

Why this week’s quote selection? It best represents the most precious of gifts she gave me. The knowledge and the confidence in knowing what love could, no, should be.


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